gweeb

March 9, 2017

sometimes boring is good

Filed under: Uncategorized — gweeb @ 11:29 pm

did boring shit today, but sometimes, boring is good.

today chef introduced me to the idea of “low hanging fruit”. i’ve never seen people that way before, be it a business opportunity or friend/love interest to be made, but i guess i’m a whole lot more simple-minded than most people. to be honest as we talked, i thought to myself, so dude are you hangin’ out with me now because i’m low hanging fruit ie i happen to be available to hang out with you in the day on some days like today? and then i started to think – man, how many other people think of me that way?

my ego wants to yell at all those people who have treated me as low hanging fruit to just fuck off, but in reality i know that yeah if you’re not that great then you ought to be low hanging fruit. and i’m not that great. so.

jogged twice in 3 days, and amazingly i do not seem to have lost my stamina and pace (not fast to begin with, being a short-legged person) although i have not exercised in ages. i should probably do this more often.

still get hit by moments of what-the-fuck-am-i-doing-with-my-life, still grappling with the idea of living for myself. when i ask myself what do i want, it’s still about wanting to disappear. not from this business, or career, or kin/friendships, or country. just not wanting to have to want any thing, or do any thing, or feel any thing, or be any where.

suffered a nasty scratch and deep bite puncture through my thumbnail (does any one think of a thumbnail as the nail of a thumb any more these days?) from a cat in cardiorespiratory failure while it was dying and it was fucking heart wrenching and i feel so sad and angry and helpless. wounds heal but no one wakes up from the dead. the owners were so apologetic when they saw my wounds but fuck i felt so much worse that i could not save their cat.

humans are so lucky because we can communicate. the nurse says to you – here, this oxygen mask will help you to breathe better, and so you allow for a mask to be placed around your face. to animals, they’re like WHY THE FUCK CAN’T I BREATHE WHAT’S THIS SHIT THEY’RE PLACING OVER MY FACE ARGH WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON and of course they hyperventilate and everything goes into over drive which precipitates the cardiorespiratory failure.

truly, animals are blessed to have the gift of euthanasia to go, the only way to have a guaranteed, painless and pretty death. i read up about how humans commit suicide (out of interest’s sake, not considering it for myself because they’re all crap options) and damn none of them are guaranteed, painless or pretty. the scariest thing is ending up in a worse of situation than you had intended – alive, but brain-damaged, and unable to finish off what you’d intended to do. ironically while vets have access to euthanasia drugs, most considerate vets will not euthanise themselves with these drugs (at least, i would not) because of potential knee-jerk reactions from the government that might affect the accessibility of humane euthanasia for our animals. like man, i don’t want to euthanise myself and end up having the sg govt restrict use of lethabarb in all vet clinics. sophia yin hung herself, and while i initially thought that’s a fucking painful way to die, but apparently you lose consciousness in about 13 seconds (probably feels way longer than that though) but only die some 15-20mins later so you won’t actually feel yourself dying, but 15-20mins is a really long time! probably looks ghastly too, with every muscle in your body jerking and fighting against death, your tongue and eyes bulging, and that dramatic release of pee and poo (if you forgot to clean them out beforehand). jumping from height is super popular in sg, but if unsuccessful you’ll probably be tetraplegic or worse.

anyway who came up with the word euthanize. there’s nothing nice about having to perform euthanasia, nor is there any thing nice about wanting it for yourself. it is a compromise we make to help cope with this shitty world. i embrace it, because it makes this shitty world a little bit better, it alleviates suffering for a lot of people and animals, but really, i’d rather if this world and life was not shitty to begin with. i’d rather if we had no suffering to begin with.

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March 8, 2017

go with the flow

Filed under: Uncategorized — gweeb @ 2:27 am

i must remember to log down the better days, too.

last night i was sad. the moon cop is venturing forth to other planets and said “i don’t want to waste your time” which really is just a nice way of saying “i don’t want to waste my time”, considering that i had already told him that i was content with just hanging out. even though i still hope (for hope is what keeps me alive), i am also realistic and no longer expect happily ever afters from any one. temporary dalliances are fine by me. it’s nice to make a connection, however short it may be. so anyway, the moon cop wants to be left alone, so, good bye, thanks for the good times and thanks for breaking my heart, i’ll miss you but maybe not, since i’m amnesic.

my session with nancy was a lot more fruitful today. it helped a lot that she shared about herself. it helped me to see her as a fellow person with hopes and dreams, and also as a role model who has walked her path. she was right, in that my idyllic childhood has set me up for disappointment. i can choose to continue to hope and expect, or i can choose to accept what life has thrown my way. 这是我的命。unlike my mother, i will not be marrying a man who is like my dad. i will not get to rely on someone to provide for me. i will not enjoy a life of luxury. i will not have children and an awesome family life. there is no point wondering why no man has liked me, no point moping over the things i cannot have. i’ll just make the best of this life i have, and treasure what has been given to me. so i really need to pursue my interests and career more. i’ll just be my own person, be the one to look after me, be a whole person without a need for another half. i care naturally for romantic interests, often bending backwards at my own expense just to accomodate them, but that has been disastrous. it’s time to just put myself at the center of my life.

no doubt i will lapse into my moments of sadness and inadequacies (not just about my non-existent love life, but also about my intelligence and failures), but hopefully i can pick myself out of the lows a lot faster.

my day ended well with a jog and supper with someone who makes me laugh and knows how to care. i don’t trust him a 100% (too smooth?) but i’m just happy to make a connection with someone, even if it’s transient.

 

March 3, 2017

looking at old pictures

Filed under: Uncategorized — gweeb @ 3:10 am

made the mistake of going through old pictures (was looking for a nice pic of dad to post a birthday dedi on ig). i just felt sadder and sadder as i scrolled through the years. can’t really describe it eloquently but i remember how much sadness i had at each picture, and the sadness just keeps accumulating as the years pass.

in order to function i think my brain and heart have learnt to compartmentalize my sadness well, but unfortunately it does mean that when i go for therapy my sessions are pretty useless if i’m not in sad mode at that point in time.

once i feel sad it opens this whole pandora’s box of depressing feels and memories and that’s when it’s bad enough for me to not want to exist.

i’m not bipolar or manic depressive or anything like that, but mainly when i drop i feel like i drop deep into some kind of dark canyon.

i’ve made that first step of acknowledging that i need help being an adult and i need to learn to face the reality of being a failure without wanting to disappear. funny how i’ve failed so many times from the age of 13 onwards but i never quite got used to it. each failure just piles on like weights on my heart, and some are failures that are time-dependent in that they get bigger with time.

i don’t want to be 40 and have my parents still worry about my ability to be independent, but each year passes and nothing changes. they worry about me being alone during festive seasons. they worry about my finances and career. they worry about my mental health.

i honestly don’t know which is better, having to deal with a depressed family member for the rest of your life (fucking emotional burden to be honest) or to have to live with the suicide of said person. so yeah, suicide is selfish, but so is being depressed. so if the lows get lower and lower and lower then where do we go from here? i want to be better at being an adult so that my parents don’t have to worry, but what if i don’t? failing to be better, and continuing to mope in this vicious cycle of failure and being depressed, seems just as selfish as suicide. the only non selfish thing to do is to be normal again, but if i cannot, if i am so fucking selfish that i cannot find the strength in me to break through all of this, then what?

February 9, 2017

what it means to be a fucking loser

Filed under: Uncategorized — gweeb @ 4:34 am

some times i read really good writing, really good blogs, by really smart people, and while i’m simultaneously enjoying what a good read these are i am also feeling so fucking frustrated and angry with myself that i cannot express myself as eloquently. these people either came from the GEP programme, or CAP, or humanities scholar programme, and god can they write. on the other hand my sentences are clumsy and sound exactly like the person i am – a try-hard.

nothing comes easily for me. i have to try so hard at every thing in my life and yet still come out of it looking like a wannabe and lousy imposter.

 

 

February 4, 2017

to be above average

Filed under: Uncategorized — gweeb @ 6:29 pm

i’m pretty sure my IQ is above average. it’s like 101 or something.

to be above average is a difficult place to be in. because you’re not stupid enough to bath in blissful ignorance, but neither are you smart enough to achieve or understand the things you want to achieve/understand.

it’s pretty frustrating.

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Filed under: Uncategorized — gweeb @ 5:14 pm

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January 27, 2017

A hypothetical poem

Filed under: Uncategorized — gweeb @ 11:34 pm

It is not from grief,
but from relief.

December 28, 2016

為你的寂寞唱歌

Filed under: Uncategorized — gweeb @ 2:51 am

或许你还会哼著 几年前的一首歌
片段动人的歌词 依旧记得
也许你还没忘了 最应该忘记的人
缘份总让幸福变得曲折

生命有几个过客 会带走你的天真
爱过几个错的人 才能够完整你的人生

你的寂寞在唱歌
是否曾偷偷想起不敢想的人
你的快乐不快乐
勉强的笑容看得出来你累了
情歌动人也伤人
听到心碎成几片 还是舍不得
我不是你爱的人
还是愿意为了你的寂寞唱歌

我的心不疼不疼
心甘情愿在你的寂寞里受困
有个爱着你的人
远在眼前只为你的寂寞唱歌

+ + + +

放不下,不是罪。最重要,是要对自己坦诚。然后,不要埋怨它所带给你的折腾。要心甘情愿地守住,等侯。

要不,就把它给放下。

October 21, 2016

Story of My Life

Filed under: Uncategorized — gweeb @ 1:24 am

it’s been 10 years. i contemplated creating a new blog (and i have, on countless occasions, started new blogs that fizzled out after 1 or 2 posts), and i guess that’s why the internet is appealing, because you feel like you can start afresh. but that’s not how it is with life. you don’t get to start it all over.

so here i am, at one of the last vestiges of my existence on the www. writing about my life again, because, oh, i don’t know. because nothing has changed. people who have moved on to the next stage of their lives don’t remember the blogs their juvenile selves left behind. for me to be here, i think, says a lot.

May 13, 2006

moved!

Filed under: Uncategorized — gweeb @ 7:56 pm

again, but that's cos my big brother got me my own domain! 

gwendalowe.com/blog

it's easy to import contents from any other weblog system to wordpress, but wholesale export from wordpress to another wordpress is impossible. that's oddly mystifying and pissifying.

other than that, setting up a new domain has been relatively effortless. happy happy.

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