some times i read really good writing, really good blogs, by really smart people, and while i’m simultaneously enjoying what a good read these are i am also feeling so fucking frustrated and angry with myself that i cannot express myself as eloquently. these people either came from the GEP programme, or CAP, or humanities scholar programme, and god can they write. on the other hand my sentences are clumsy and sound exactly like the person i am – a try-hard.
nothing comes easily for me. i have to try so hard at every thing in my life and yet still come out of it looking like a wannabe and lousy imposter.
i’m pretty sure my IQ is above average. it’s like 101 or something.
to be above average is a difficult place to be in. because you’re not stupid enough to bath in blissful ignorance, but neither are you smart enough to achieve or understand the things you want to achieve/understand.
it’s pretty frustrating.
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It is not from grief,
but from relief.
+ + + +
it’s been 10 years. i contemplated creating a new blog (and i have, on countless occasions, started new blogs that fizzled out after 1 or 2 posts), and i guess that’s why the internet is appealing, because you feel like you can start afresh. but that’s not how it is with life. you don’t get to start it all over.
so here i am, at one of the last vestiges of my existence on the www. writing about my life again, because, oh, i don’t know. because nothing has changed. people who have moved on to the next stage of their lives don’t remember the blogs their juvenile selves left behind. for me to be here, i think, says a lot.
again, but that's cos my big brother got me my own domain!
it's easy to import contents from any other weblog system to wordpress, but wholesale export from wordpress to another wordpress is impossible. that's oddly mystifying and pissifying.
other than that, setting up a new domain has been relatively effortless. happy happy.
am feeling a sense of impending doom. the problem with cretins like myself is that things dribble out of the brain extremely easily. so right now i’m completely clueless w.r.t. neuroanatomy neurophysiology nutrition biometry and arghhhh everything! i hope the sense of doom sticks with me though, so that i can do something about my empty brain. otherwise i’m just going to be happy and lazy all the way till the night before the exams (like last year) and then i’ll be really doomed.
today i had beef rendang. if i had normal tear ducts i would’ve cried there and then.
the most effortless yet decadent dessert you can make for yourself.
melt approx same amount of good quality 70% chocolate with butter (i use 1 block lindt with half block butter). at same time mix 2 eggs and 2 egg yolks with quarter cup of sugar. dont even bother getting out the whisk or whatever- that just gives you more washing to do. using fork, beat eggs and sugar till pale and frothy. dump melted chocolate + butter into egg, stir, add 2 heaping teaspoons of flour. i keep the batter in fridge and bake one each time i need one, cos i like mine fresh out of the oven but you can dump them all in the muffin pan if it so pleases you. (just remember not to nuke them for too long when reheating or you'll just end up with a chocolate cake.) bake at 230 degrees celsius. go back to your room and do your own stuff. remember to play some music to make yourself happy. after 4 songs, go out and look. take fondant out if it looks baked on the outside. flip onto plate and eat with ice-cream immediately.
it was good! we went horseback riding and it was soooo worth it! nevermind the bruises, grazed skin (damn those loose jeans!) and aching muscles. it was such a pity we weren't allowed to take our bags with us (hence no pictures) but there's a photo gallery of the place here. we rode through the rainforest and across streams and rockpools and it was so so cool. bouncing with the horses when they trotted gave us sore backs though, but i'd give anything to go back there again all the same. and the horses, while a little lazy, were really sweet and easy to handle. i want to go for more riding when the exams end!
and then we went to terrigal beach to chill and have a late lunch.
we also went lawn bowling, which was utterly hilarious. picture 5 asian kids stepping into a bowling club filled with silver-haired caucasian fogies. heheh. oh well at least i kinda got to bowl. have been dying to go ten-pin bowling and knock some pins! but good enough substitute i guess.
after a scrummy bbq dinner we went to a cute little cinema at kincumber to watch MI3. which was just so-so. dont like tom cruise, dont like americano's misconceived perception of china (they filmed at 周庄 for the shanghai part! that's like a tourist attraction for fuck's sake! china, much less shanghai does not look like that anymore!), dont like fact that story was spun round an empty shell (so what exactly is a rabbit's foot?). but it was action-packed alright.
the following morning we had brunch! scrambled eggs and sausages and bacon! and then we went to the eastern beaches of avoca to watch the baptisms. beaches in australia are all so pretty.
okay it feels really weird doing an account of things that i've done. next time i'll stick to thoughts and rants and food and photos haha.
owww my healing scab on my inner knee hurts! it's not healing very well at all, still kinda wet actually (i almost said pussy hahah but then i realised it sounded totally wrong!). and my skin is not doing a very good job healing them cuts at all, which is very bad because i thought that given my youth, de skin should be very rapidly replaceable. was wrong about that. looky i still have scars from more than 6 months back. need to eat more fruits to help epidermal rejuvenation! i dont like scars!
very disjointed post, this is.